August 2, 2011
Dear Department of the Treasury,
I would like to request that you increase my credit limit by $2.5 trillion effective immediately! Though I have maxed out my credit limits, I need more. I realize you tell me that I already make more money than any nation on Earth, and that I should learn to live within my means, but it’s not that simple.
You see, I have to give out money to all my buddies overseas who say they need me. It also costs lots of money to keep my toys, ships and planes in various places so I can use them whenever I need. Let’s not forget the money I loan to people that I know will never pay it back, but say they need it or else bad things will happen! You see I have a lot of obligations to people otherwise they tell me they won’t be my friend anymore.
I know I’m supposed to use the money I make to help the people I live with here at home, but that’s also not that simple. You see there are millions of people who live here illegally and they don’t pay me any money. There’s also millions more in poverty that don’t pay either. So I just take more from those who have it and give it to them. Plus there are lots of people who work for me who have pet projects that they want to work on, so I have to give them some too. I know there’s a lot of maintenance here at home I should be doing with the money I make such as fixing the electric and pipes, improving the roads we live on and making it safer and easier for other people to get to work, but I just don’t have time for that!
I know a lot of people who live here also think I should live within my means, or even cut my spending, but what do they know! I have dozens of people who work for me and with my banks telling me otherwise, and they know a lot better than anyone else how to manage my finances. After all, look at how well they’ve managed their own finances, housing, the stock market, etc. They’ve made billions while everyone else has been losing money! What does that tell you?
I hope you don’t make me have to play hardball to get my limit increased? I wouldn’t want to have to threaten anyone by cutting off their paychecks, cutting services people say they need, or having their credit score go down. I mean I know I could just re-prioritize to fund those things, but then what would I have left to give away or splurge with?
Anyway, I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from and realize how important this is. After all, what would happen to us if we didn’t borrow any more money?
United States Congress
The Federal Reserve
President Barack Obama
Vice President Joe Biden
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid
House Majority Leader John Boehner
P.S. I hope you weren’t expecting me to pay off my account anytime soon? What do you think; I can just print money out of thin air?